A journey of self discovery

 Currently taking note of the things that bring me happiness, or a sense of positivity in general. There are not that many. Or, at least, not that many that I encounter daily. The list is short, but I shall  hope it will get longer in time. Feel good movies are part of my escape plan. And calls with friends. Walking. Music can go either way these days. I've managed to put pressure on music, can you imagine? I get anxious about choosing the right song for the moment because I so heavily rely on it being the absolute right one. Not a good place to be, but this too shall get better. I've been wanting to start playing music again. I am closer to it than I have ever been in the past decade but still not there yet. Still scared. Failure has defined me in ways that I didn't realise before. But now I do. And that's a step forward anyways. I feel this past year has been formative for most, but part of me is still unsure about if I have made the most out of this opportunity. It sounds ridiculous hearing that, but still... There is this stillness that is getting a hold of me in the past fews days. A stillness that I have feared in the past, and still do. Sort of like a ghost that I can't quite deal with and it affects me greatly. Well at least the fear affects me. It is all in my head, I am well aware of that, but still... Doesn't make it any less real. What I seek is an outlet that would occupy my mind and, perhaps, bring some balance to my everyday thoughts. The situation is not helping at the moment, but I do hope for the best. I think we all do.  

Paint a picture

I love the smell of rain. Have I said this before? Probably yes. I feel strongly about it. That misty musk of a forest, the salty wind of the sea before a storm, the first few drops of water on warm concrete. I am somehow deeply connected to that. It appeals to my senses, but also kind of awakens my higher self, if that makes sense. Different feelings in each situation, but ultimately, it all boils down to relief. A sense of letting go. Storms almost make me cry every time. Is it a calling to who I'm supposed to be? It feels like it. Free. My true self lives in an underground network of calm and thunderous silence. Just beneath the surface of the perceived world. Just a step away. So simple, yet of such inconceivable complexity. 

This world is two-dimensional and I'm looking for depth. 

Rain and Responsibility ~ A Tail by Me

And as the rain kept falling relentlessly from the concrete grey skies time stood still. Nothing seemed to be going on in the world, but peace and quiet. She looked out of the window with her mind empty of thoughts, as if the rain had washed them away for good, and just looked at the blossoming trees across the street. Isn’t this time of the year supposed to be spring? She didn’t know. Time didn’t matter to her anyway. Cause for as long as time stood still, her endless responsibilities did too. And all she was left with was the rain and an empty gaze in her eyes.